Christmas survival guide when you are feeling pregnant and sick

I have had two Christmas(ish) babies. The joy of pregnancy being over just as the festivities kicked off was pretty special for me. But I have also had a spring baby and while the adorable sunshine and bunny themed outfits were cute I do not believe they were worth the horror of a pregnant and sick December. I’m not having any more but I urge anyone to use a calendar and plan to avoid being pregnant over the Christmas holidays if at all possible.

As you’ll know if you’ve been here before my sickness was Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) and the depression that comes along with it but there are lots of situations that make being pregnant at Christmas time particularly challenging. This is mostly because the social expectations we have of ourselves and others increase dramatically during the Christmas holidays but, unfortunately, the physical and mental challenges of pregnancy do not diminish. In fact, they can often become supercharged as we over-social, over-schedule and generally go overboard with everything.

The stories of participants in my research study into the experiences of HG in the workplace illuminated an undercurrent of distinctly un-festive misogyny in the way our society treats pregnancy. Women are expected to carry out their roles as normal, and to continue to look attractive, even when they may be feeling abominable. If they cannot do this they are often treated as an inconvenience at best and lazy or unfit at worst. Their feelings of overwhelm, anxiety or sadness are dismissed as irrationalities, obviously caused by “haywire” hormones. All of this explains why it is so hard for us to “look after ourselves” at Christmas as we have been made to feel, since we got that positive test, that we are probably “making a fuss” and shouldn’t spoil the fun for everyone else just because we are doing something inconvenient like growing a new life.

Today I’m going to give you permission to make Christmasl as bearable for yourself as you can. Because you matter, even if the world is telling you that you don’t.

Accept what you can’t change

Hormonal changes happen for good reason during pregnancy. They help the body and mind adapt to the changes required and ensure the baby and placenta have what they need to thrive. It is nothing short of miraculous and they are not “haywire.” What they are however are blunt instruments and, in their quest to promote growth of the baby and placenta, they do some less helpful things including inducing horrifc sickness, joint problems and an emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately this cannot be directly changed and you may have some symptoms that you really really wish you didn’t have at this time of year. I remember being furious that I couldn’t enjoy my daughter’s second Christmas (and first birthday) because I felt so sick and tired as I was pregnant with her brother. My fury was fuelled by thoughts of what it “should” have been like and my sadness stoked by thoughts of the opportunities for festive fun that were missed.

While it is completely understandable that we wish we were feeling better and able to enjoy Christmas, spending time imagining what it would be like if we were not pregnant and sick, or resentful of those who seem to be having a great time will only cause what I call the “snowball of shit.” Basically, every time we engage in a self-fury, self-pity or self-fulfilling prophecy session we add a layer to the shitty feelings we are already experiencing until eventually the feeling is ten times larger than it was to start with. In order to stop the snowball effect we have to learn to accept our situation. We don’t have to like it, we just have to stop resisting it.

This exercise that I recorded a couple of months ago is designed to help you cope woth nausea but works equally well for any difficult feeing so pop your ear buds in and give it a try. Relaxing around the nausea or difficult feelings, whether they are mental or physical can give you a real break from the misery.

https://drrosie.substack.com/p/make-the-nausea-feel-small-practical?r=ahipe

Do what matters

What actually matters this Christmas? My husband taught me an important lesson on this one (don’t tell him.) Every year my family like to do a big get together with everyone from the extended family. That means 90 people squeezed into a 4-bedroom house with the heating on full blast (regardless of the weather outside). If you have experienced pregnancy sickness I don’t need to tell you the problem with this. The bathroom ratio alone makes this a nightmare scenario.

I never compromise on attending this party. It is the ONE that we all pitch up to, regardless of where life has taken us over the year. It matters to me and it really matters to my mum who is most definitely the hostess with the mostess. So it didn’t really occur to me that, even though I was dreading it, I could ask for anything to be changed the year I was pregnant and sick. You are just supposed to get on with it aren’t you?

This particular year my husband was back for 2 weeks RnR in the middle of a deployment and he just couldn’t understand why I was doing it. Annoying though it was to be asked it did make me reflect on what it is I value about the party. Was it the food (certainly not, couldn’t eat), the music (no, can’t hear it over all the shouting), the chance to get out of the house (no, wanted only to exist in PJs). I realised that what I valued, and that year ALL I valued, was getting to speak to a few people that I don’t see often enough. The solution? I lay down upstairs and the people I wanted to see came up to see me. Totally radical but totally sensible. By keeping myself out of the heat and noise I preserved my energy for some conversation with people I cared about. Trying to do it all as normal would definitely have meant I just hung out by the downstairs toilet feeling awful and speaking to no one. This way I got as close as I could to my values.

So ask yourself what is it you really care about this Christmas? How can you get it in the least stressful way? What can you let go of that doesn’t give you anything you value?

Radical delegation

Ok so now you're feeling more relaxed around your discomfort and you know what you really want to prioritise this Christmas, its time to get some help. Receiving compassion and support from others is the best way to calm the nervous system and that can bring immense relief from a whole host of mental and physical symptoms. Because of the issues with womens’ suffering in pregnancy being totally ignored people will not be able to anticipate your needs. Sadly even other women who have been pregnant probably never had much support themselves so they might not know what to do even when they really want to be helpful.

This is a time when it is not only OK but super beneficial to ask other people for help. Maybe you want to go to church but you aren’t sure you can manage the journey there or the anxiety of the social setting. Could someone find you a good service that is being streamed and set you up at home? It is OK to ask people to go out of their way to help you. If you want to be involved in cooking but can’t take much kitchen time give someone instructions and retreat to the sofa. If you usually help out by making brownies for the school but can’t face it find someone else to do it this time. This isn’t every year, it is just this year and receiving the care you need from others will work wonders for your nervous system.

Smash the social expectations

Everyone wants to be around a pregnant person at Christmas. There is something inherently festive about you after all! But that does not mean you have to say yes to every invitation or accept people touching you. Your energy is a limited and highly precious resource this year. Setting boundaries and sticking to them can help you manage your energy levels so you have some sparkle (even if it is only a tiny bit) for the things that matter most to you. If you know this will be a struggle for you ask a partner, sibling or best friend to help you by reminding you of your boundaries in moments of weakness. It is never easy but having someone to hold you accountable can make it significantly more likely that you keep the promises you made yourself.

Find time to breathe

Taking moments to yourself for some mindfulness will help make sure you don’t get swept away with the Christmas overwhelm and can calm your nervous system. Try these exercises I recorded for the podcast:

https://drrosie.substack.com/p/bring-calm-and-comfort-to-the-body?r=ahipe

https://drrosie.substack.com/p/soothe-the-sickness-give-your-mind?r=ahipe

Before you go I just want to say thank you for being here. It means the world to me that you are looking after yourself during pregnancy (or forwarding these to people that need them). If you ever need any extra support from me or think therapy might help (from a Clinical Psychologist and HG survivor) you can find me @thepregnancypsychologist on Instagram or www.knowyourmindconsulting.com

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas. I’ll see you in the new year.