What is making you so stressed?
Let's stop gaslighting ourselves
Today I interviewed Nicola Morgan from
and for the Business of Psychology podcast and we agreed firmly on something. Imposter syndrome is not about YOU (the person dealing with it) it is much more about the culture that surrounds you.Given that it is “stress” awareness month I wanted to use the opportunity to talk about why I feel exactly the same way about the concept of stress.
What even is “stress”?
Stress is a term that is colloquially used to mean a negative state of exhaustion, probably with some worry and anxiety mixed in but that isn’t the full story. In 1936 Hans Selye defined stress as ‘the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.” You could think of stress as something that occurs to motivate you, and give you the capabilities you need, to close the gap between what you want and need and reality. For example, you are hungry and you want to be full, stress gives you the urgency required to acquire and consume some food. Once you are sated, stress can safely subside.
In fact, we need stress in order for our bodies and minds to perform optimally. There is evidence that short term acute stress can provide an immune system boost at times when the body is most vulnerable and it can sharpen our cognitive abilities to help us perform better in exams.
The reason stress has a bad reputation in modern times is largely due to the detrimental impact of “chronic stress” that goes on for a long time. Many of the triggers for stress we experience in the modern world do not have a clear ending. There is no obvious point of safety or satiety when the body can switch off the stress system so it just keeps on going until we end up facing burnout with symptoms such as IBS, hypervigilance, excessive worry and low mood. This problem is widespread as my colleague Dr Claire Plumbly’s book explains but today I want to shine a light on two groups that experience a huge amount of stress and usually blame themselves for it.
Stress in pregnancy
If we take the broadest definition of stress as it being the response of the body to any demand for change then it becomes obvious quickly why pregnancy is stressful. This is a period of life in which everything has to change quickly. Here are just a few of the sources of stress that commonly come up in my clinic room:
The body needs to make rapid adaptations to perform the task of growing a human being, this leads to a baseline level of stress but can also cause symptoms that are in themselves stressful such as sickness, pain, incontinence and mood swings. Delightful.
You have to start modelling a new identity for yourself but the clay you get given to use is infused with misogynistic tropes.
Your brain has evolved to expect a high level of social support and engagement from your community. But now you live in a capitalist silo where (if you are lucky) you only have one stressed out other adult to rely on and neither of you have a clue what to do to be helpful.
Pregnancy complications come with scary words, uncertain outcomes and patchy care. Whether it is Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Pre-eclampsia or pre-term birth my clinic is full of mothers who were terrified and let down by those who were supposed to support them.
The way pregnancy is viewed and treated in the workplace leaves a lot to be desired, whether it is being sidelined while on maternity leave or being harassed to join teams meetings while hooked up to a drip my research in this area does not make for pretty reading.
Add in financial difficulties and relationship strain and we are starting to get close to understanding why many women feel very stressed while pregnant.
Notice that none of this has anything to do with the “coping skills” of the individual woman?
Stress when parenting children with SEND
Parenting in itself is stressful as it also involves continuous, painful change and adaptation. The needs of our families evolve every day and we must constantly form and re-form ourselves to meet the next set of challenges. There is inherent stress in that. However, for parents whose children do not obediently trot down the yellow brick road of developmental milestones and traditional education, the chronic stress can seem insurmountable.
These are just a few of the reasons why:
Vastly increased financial pressure (a family with a SEND child spends on average over £500 a month more to have the same quality of life as a family with no SEND)
Strain on relationships and partnerships as people struggle to make sense of and communicate through the trauma of diagnosis and adjusting your life and expectations.
Unprocessed trauma and grief
Continuous battles (mostly conducted via email and form filling) to get the basic health and educational needs of your children met. This could honestly constitute a full time job but must be squeezed into the exhausted post bedtime moments (which you may not even get when your kids are struggling)
The impossibility/extreme challenge of balancing work (and the need to make a living) with the needs of your children. SEND parents have many additional appointments and meetings to attend (my average per week is 2 full mornings) plus you usually can’t utilise the typical childcare solutions on offer (eg. nursery, school, wrap around clubs, holiday clubs etc.)
Once again these are just a few that research has highlighted as important. Again, I have not at any time mentioned “coping skills.”
What can we do?
Essentially the take-home message today is that if you are feeling chronically stressed, it is safe to say it is not all about you. There is nothing broken in you that means you can’t cope with the demands of the life you are leading. We live in a stress jungle that is not good for our mental health.
I am fed up of people being told that they need to improve their personal resilience. We shouldn’t accept a world where we all need to deep breathe and meditate constantly to exist. That is why it has always been central to my work as a clinical psychologist to speak out about the real reasons our mental health suffers.
That is not to say that there is nothing we can do to support ourselves as we navigate this stress-inducing jungle. Of course there is. I have made a living for the past ten years as a clinical psychologist and coach teaching people skills that can help protect them from the thorniest of branches and the most ferocious wildlife. But I won’t gaslight them into believing they created the jungle. We just live in it.
So if you are reading this and feeling stressed today I encourage you to do three things.
If you are struggling to sleep due to stress, listen to this compassionate mindfulness practice I made for a moment of relief (Thank you to Russ Harris as this is adapted from his ACT for Insomnia workbook).
Look at the reality of your life and assess whether anything can be changed, delegated or moved around to reduce the load on you.
Join a group that is campaigning for change around any topic that is bringing you stress, whether that is Pregnant Then Screwed, Pregancy Sickness Support, SEND action or something else.
Psychologists and Therapists - Stressed about AI and therapy work?
Listen to the latest episode of the Business of Psychology podcast, where Clare Veal and I update your essential legal knowledge with some new information on intellectual property and data protection in the AI world.
Spoiler - you DO need to take action if you plan to use AI to help with your work but you DO NOT need to panic, as always Clare has you covered.